Thursday, February 26, 2009

Not the post I thought I'd be writing

What I expected to be writing about right now was the embryo transfer we just did. We went ahead and did a frozen embryo transfer without telling anyone. I had thought I might write about it but never even did that. Now, it just doesn't seem to matter. It didn't work, which we pretty much expected, but I can't really care about it at all right now. Because my world changed with a phone call on Sunday. A day that started off so well. K and I had even said to each other what a good day it was going to be. Then my sister called. And told me to sit down. And put K on the phone. To tell me that my mom had died. She had taken her own life.

I couldn't talk to her after that. I gave the phone to K and left the room screaming. I made K keep Jonah away from me b/c I didn't want him to see me this way.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My momma!

I cannot comprehend the loss I am feeling. I cannot believe that this is real. I prayed on Sunday night that I would go to sleep and wake up back home in my own bed. That somehow this was the worst dream I had ever had. But of course, I didn't even really sleep Sunday night so never even had the chance to wake up thinking for even a moment that I was home and none of this had happened.

We buried my mom yesterday. My sister and I spent today going through her desk trying to figure out accounts, credit cards, appointments to cancel. We have to go through her closet. And these things I can handle - sort of. What I can't handle is knowing that my mom is gone. And that Jonah will never really know her. That she won't get to see me continue to grow as a mother. That she won't meet her next grandchild. That instead of naming our next child in honor of her mother, I will be naming her in honor of my mother.

I have a lot of really great friends and they have been wonderful these last few days in their outpouring of love and support for me. But I don't have any friends that I talk to on a regular basis or who I'm accustomed to opening up to. I think it's not really in my nature to do so, but also, it may be that I just have never needed to. Because I had my mother. Now, who am I going to call? When I get back home on Saturday and need someone to talk to - who do I call? Who is ever going to be interested in every little new thing that Jonah is doing? Who can I go to just to get the reassurance that I sometimes need that I'm a good mother, that I know what I'm doing?

There is so much that I need to say about this but I can't say it all now. I am so sad and devastated and scared and angry. I am so sad for my mom - she was so sick. And she tried so hard for so long. She just wanted to feel good. And to live life to its fullest and enjoy her children and grandchildren. I don't know what happened to her Saturday night/Sunday morning that led to making such a disastrous, irrevocable decision. I do not believe she was truly herself. She had promised me that she would never do this. And I believed her. I can't believe I was wrong. I can't believe she is gone. I can't believe how much I miss her already.

118 comments:

Heather said...

I am so very very sorry. What an unimaginable loss.

My thoughts are with your family.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am so sorry--I wish I could hug you through these words. My heart is with you right now.

Anonymous said...

Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the range of emotions that you must be feeling, and hope that in time your heart is able to find peace.

N said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

Lori said...

My family experienced something similar last Fall. I am so sorry you are facing this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry!

Queenie. . . said...

I am so very sorry. I know it must seem unfathomable to you, and so hard to wrap your mind around. Hold tight to all of the wonderful memories you have of her and the time that you did have together. May those carry you through this terrible time.

BagMomma said...

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Meghan said...

Here from L&F. My heart goes out to you and your family. You will all be in my prayers

Alexa said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. As the child of a parent with mental illness, a parent who has attempted suicide and been hospitalized many times, I think I can imagine a very small part of what you are going through. I wish there were something I could do. I will be thinking of you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Here from LFCA. I am so very sorry for your loss You are in my thoughts.

unexplainthis said...

Here from L&F. I'm so sorry for your loss.
While she may be gone from this world she lives on in your memories and those of your loved ones.

Thinking of you and your family at this time.

Leslee said...

I'm holding your family in my heart. I'm so sorry.

Betty Rubble said...

Words are not enough, but please know that my heart is breaking for you. I wish there was something tangible that I could do that would take your pain away.

Kim said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sending up a prayer for your family and your mother. Many hugs.

Anonymous said...

Here from L&F, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother last March, and it is an incredibly difficult experience. Allow yourself to mourn this profound loss and give in to the conflicting emotions you may be feeling. The pain will always be there, but it does get a little easier over time.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you. What a tragic loss. It sounds like you are feeling so many things right now and that in and of itself can be so confusing. I was in the same sort of situation 3 years ago with my own mom. I am so sad for you.

I visited from LFCA so I hope you don't mind me posting here. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry. I will be thinking about you and sending you strength.

Alexicographer said...

Hi. I too came over from LFCA and wanted to say how terribly sorry I am. I lost a friend to suicide and though (to be honest) he wasn't even a terribly close friend (not a reflection on his quality as a person or mine, just a reflection of our busy lives and a less-than-100% overlapping of shared interests) ... that loss turned everything upside down. It made problems that had been real but seemed fixable (his problems ... the parts of his life that caused him grief) permanent and everlasting. And of course it took away all sorts of other potential and much-more-positive futures, whatever those might have been.

I'm sorry that you are in that same place with your mother and your son's grandmother, obviously a much deeper and more cutting loss. I really cannot do anything except to say I share your grief and am so sorry for your loss.

Jendeis said...

I am so, so sorry. I'm sending hugs, strength and love to you so you can try to get through these next days.

Stephanie Jean-Louis said...

I am so sorry - thinking of you and your family.

Tash said...

Here from L&F -- I'm so incredibly sorry and bewildered. Dealing with a death is hard enough. Holding you and your family in my heart.

Leah said...

I am so sorry, my prayers are with you.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry. Some years ago one of my best friend's lost his battle to depression. I will never understand, and it will always hurt, just a bit. I still think of him and think "oh, I should phone Doug and tell him that". And there is this terrible feeling.

I'm so sorry. There's nothing I can do but say that, and it seems so small. Wishing you comfort and peace and the respite of happy memories.

Celia said...

I am so very sorry. I have had this happen in my family twice.

Meredith said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you this weekend.

dee said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

You are in my prayers.

GypsyEsq said...

Here from L&F - your family and your Mom are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so very sorry.

Pepper said...

The loss of a parent - someone who's been there your entire life -can shake your foundation. I am so sorry for this devastating loss. I hope the coming days, weeks, and months bring peace and acceptance.

(LFCA)

Phoebe said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. For someone who has personally struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide, I understand that it is mental illness that causes a person to take their life. I understand this because I have been to the edge and turned back. When you are this sick, nothing matters. You are not yourself, truly. The woman who made the promise to you was not the woman who took her life. Please understand that this was her illness and not your mother. I know it won't hurt any less, but at least I hope you won't be left with wondering why. Hugs.

Rebuilding Myself said...

Here from L&F - I am so sorry to hear about your mom, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you.

Thinking and praying for you and your family.

Hillary said...

I am so very sorry. This is a such a huge loss. My heart hurts for you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and yours

Mrs. Olson said...

I am so sorry. Words cannot begin to take away the pain I know you are feeling. My grandfather killed himself five years ago, and not a day goes by I don't think about him. If you need to talk, please know I am here. Praying for you and your family...

Anonymous said...

I am so, so, so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am so very very sorry. There really are no other words I can offer- just so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Sending you thoughts of strength and comfort...hopefully you can find peace.

G$ said...

My heart breaks for you, I am so sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Missy said...

I'm here from L&F. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my brother to suicide almost two and half years go. It's never easy, and it's always hard to figure out why. You and your family are remaining in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am so so sorry.. Find someone to talk to so you can release some of your honest feelings..
You are in my prayers.

Karen said...

I am so deeply, truly sorry for your loss. There is no real comfort for such a tremendous loss in one's life, but I hope you know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many around the blogosphere right now. You are loved and thought of.

I hope you take some comfort in that knowledge.

k@lakly said...

Here from L&F. I hope that if you don't have a person to open up to and talk about all that must be going through your mind that you will continue to use your writing and this place for that reason. This is a place filed with so many compassionate supportive women who will gladly stand by you and hold you up in the days and years to come.
Thinking of you and your famly.

Anonymous said...

So sorry.

Annie said...

I am so so sorry. There are just no words that are adequate. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

loribeth said...

Here from LFCA. There are no adequate words at times like these. I just wanted to let you know how very sorry I am. I'll be thinking of you & your family.

Pam said...

Here from L&F - so sorry.

emilythehopeless said...

no words.. just hugs.

Linda said...

Having just lost my mom, I know there are no words. Please know that many thoughts are with you. I am so, so sorry for your lose.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Amy said...

Here from LFCA. My heart aches for you and your family. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am incredibly sorry. I will keep you and yours close to my heart, in my thoughts, and my prayers.

Amanda said...

Here from LFCA

I am so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))

luna said...

here from LFCA. I am so so sorry for this unimaginable loss. my heart and thoughts are with you in this impossibly difficult time. wishing you some peace.

annacyclopedia said...

I came from the LFCA, too.

I am so very sorry. Words are just completely inadequate right now, but I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

FattyPants said...

I just can't even imagine the heartbreak you must be feeling. I'm so sorry for your loss

Anonymous said...

From LFCA - I'm so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Emily said...

How devastating...I am so very sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers.

Cara said...

I, like all the others, am so very sorry you are enduring this horrible loss. Of course you believed her. We are do connected to our mommas. With you through thought.

xoxo

one of the girls said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. You and your family are on my thoughts.

areyoukiddingme said...

My condolences. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better...

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ally said...

I am so sorry. May you be surrounded with love and support. You are in my thoughts.

Sophie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is just awful.

Seriously? - Erin said...

I am so sorry for your loss, I will be thinking of you.

s.e. said...

None of us truly understand what you are feeling but so many care.

Coming from L&F to you wish you solace somehow through your pain.

Anonymous said...

Here from L&F. So sorry for your loss.

Aurelia said...

I am so sorry for your loss, this is so so awful.

Anna said...

I'm so sorry; I am thinking of you.

(LFCA)

Christy said...

I'm so very, very sorry to read of your loss. My thoughts are with you now as you traverse this new reality.

Dramalish said...

I'm thinking of you, and so very sorry for your loss.

Motel Manager said...

I am so, so sorry to hear this. I wish you all the best in the days ahead.

andrea said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

(LFCA)

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Here from LFCA and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your family at this difficult time. I am so sorry for your loss.

orodemniades said...

Oh, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope your mom is at peace, and that somehow, your family will eventually come to some sort of...well, 'peace' isn't the word, is it? Acceptance? I don't know. I wish for you and your family that someday the pain will not be as bad.

I wish I had better words to say what I mean, but I hope the meaning comes across. Take care.

Photogrl said...

I am so, so sorry...

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Here from L&F

Anonymous said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

(Here from L & F)

Seraphim said...

As someone who lost my beloved aunt and godmother to suicide weeks before my son was born. I have a tiny insight into how you are feeling. And I am so very sorry. I agree with you that she can't have been herself when she did it, or she would never have made that choice. My love and prayers are with you. xxx

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I'm holding you all close to my heart.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

I am so so sorry. You are in my prayers.

Kristen said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers. XOXO

Andrea said...

I am so utterly sorry. There are no words.

Natalie said...

OMG I am so so sorry. How utterly horrifying. Just a terrible loss.

Delenn said...

I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry! The words are inadequate, I know. I just wanted to tell you that I am holding you close during this dark time of sadness. With love.

Anonymous said...

Prayers and hugs to you..do talk to somebody or take the help of a therapist..dont keep it all bottled up inside..you owe it to yourself and Jonah..take care.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you and your family. My prayers will be with you through this difficult journey.

battynurse said...

here from LFCA. I'm so very sorry for the loss you and your family have experienced. Be gentle with yourself.

Anonymous said...

Here from LFCA.

I am so, so sorry. There are no other words...

Good Egg Hunting said...

Here from L&F. I wish there were something I could say to give you comfort or help you process this unthinkable loss. I sincerely hope that you feel a sense of comfort from the many people -- friends and strangers alike -- who are thinking of you and wishing you well during this extraordinarily difficult time. My prayers are with you and your family.

S said...

I'm so, so, so damn sorry. I was in tears as I read your post. There are no words of comfort, I just can't imagine the anguish and the pain.

My mom has a bad mental illness and this is one of my biggest fears. I agree with you, there is no way your mom was herself when she did this. Cold comfort, but comfort nonetheless.

I am thinking of you and yourself and wishing there was some way I could help. Please, please be gentle with yourself.

Sending you and your family some hugs, prayers and thoughts.

Amy said...

I am so sorry. I wish there were better words to comfort, strengthen, and support. My thoughts are with you.

rescogitatae said...

Here from L&F. I am so very sorry.

motheringmymiraclemultiples said...

here from L&F
Sending you our thoughts and prayers for comfort and peace during this tragic time.

~Kari

Jess said...

I'm here from Lost & Found. So so sorry for your loss. My thoughts will be with you and family.

rls07 said...

Here from Lost and Found. I'm so sorry for you loss. It's unimaginable. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I've lost a good friend this way and my dad tried it, but was found in time. It still shakes me. Words just don't exist to describe the feelings survivors are left with. Peace will come to you. Hold on.

invitroveritas said...

Here from L&F. Am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Jill said...

Here from L&F, wondering how in the world I can tell you how sorry I am. I have a family member struggling with depression and I have gotten that same promise, but I know it may not hold. I will keep you in my prayers.

InfertileMadWoman said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Rebel

Anonymous said...

I'm so very sorry. My hope is that you will be able to remember the good times and share them with your family in time.

princessoftides said...

I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Please take good care of yourself.

Stacie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had something profound to say that would take all of your pain away. But there is nothing, really, that anyone can say to make the pain of losing a parent any less overwhelming. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

(here via L&F)

Heidi said...

I am so sorry.

eden said...

I have never met you before reading your post, but now I just want to give you the biggest hug.

My dad took his own life. Death of a parent is hard enough, but it is compounded so many many different ways when it is suicide. It's literally unbelieveable.

I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of your mum. The only thing that helped me going completely crazy at that time was talking to him ... of a night, I would open my bedroom window and talk to him. It made him seem less far away.

I will be back, to offer you my support, if that's ok.

Hugs and love from Australia.

XOXOX

What IF? said...

I'm so sorry for your profound and tragic loss. You, your sister and the rest of your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

JamieD said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I wish there were a perfect thing to say right now and I wish I knew what it was.

Wishing you peach and strength . . .

theclam said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. May God hold your family in His palm during this most trying time.

xxx

Rachel said...

I am very sorry for such a tragic loss.

On My Mind 24/7 said...

Here from L&F. I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

Deb said...

There are no words. I am sorry for your loss.

(LFCA)

Callie said...

Words fail in light of such a tragic loss. All I can offer is my utmost sympathy and prayers, which I am sending your way.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. I have no words. My thoughts are with you and your family. LFCA

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry

Irish Diplomacy said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. (Here from L&F)

kcmarie122 said...

I went through a very similar situation myself except it was my sister. There are no words to take away the pain. Just know you are not alone and that we are all supporting you...even though we may not all know you!

Christine said...

How sad. I can't imagine losing either of my parents. This obviously was almost six years ago. But as you know I have just found your blog. I am thinking of you as you are coming near to that date again.