Thursday, February 26, 2009

Not the post I thought I'd be writing

What I expected to be writing about right now was the embryo transfer we just did. We went ahead and did a frozen embryo transfer without telling anyone. I had thought I might write about it but never even did that. Now, it just doesn't seem to matter. It didn't work, which we pretty much expected, but I can't really care about it at all right now. Because my world changed with a phone call on Sunday. A day that started off so well. K and I had even said to each other what a good day it was going to be. Then my sister called. And told me to sit down. And put K on the phone. To tell me that my mom had died. She had taken her own life.

I couldn't talk to her after that. I gave the phone to K and left the room screaming. I made K keep Jonah away from me b/c I didn't want him to see me this way.


I cannot comprehend the loss I am feeling. I cannot believe that this is real. I prayed on Sunday night that I would go to sleep and wake up back home in my own bed. That somehow this was the worst dream I had ever had. But of course, I didn't even really sleep Sunday night so never even had the chance to wake up thinking for even a moment that I was home and none of this had happened.

We buried my mom yesterday. My sister and I spent today going through her desk trying to figure out accounts, credit cards, appointments to cancel. We have to go through her closet. And these things I can handle - sort of. What I can't handle is knowing that my mom is gone. And that Jonah will never really know her. That she won't get to see me continue to grow as a mother. That she won't meet her next grandchild. That instead of naming our next child in honor of her mother, I will be naming her in honor of my mother.

I have a lot of really great friends and they have been wonderful these last few days in their outpouring of love and support for me. But I don't have any friends that I talk to on a regular basis or who I'm accustomed to opening up to. I think it's not really in my nature to do so, but also, it may be that I just have never needed to. Because I had my mother. Now, who am I going to call? When I get back home on Saturday and need someone to talk to - who do I call? Who is ever going to be interested in every little new thing that Jonah is doing? Who can I go to just to get the reassurance that I sometimes need that I'm a good mother, that I know what I'm doing?

There is so much that I need to say about this but I can't say it all now. I am so sad and devastated and scared and angry. I am so sad for my mom - she was so sick. And she tried so hard for so long. She just wanted to feel good. And to live life to its fullest and enjoy her children and grandchildren. I don't know what happened to her Saturday night/Sunday morning that led to making such a disastrous, irrevocable decision. I do not believe she was truly herself. She had promised me that she would never do this. And I believed her. I can't believe I was wrong. I can't believe she is gone. I can't believe how much I miss her already.